Paraprosdokian sentences
A figure of speech that uses an unexpected ending to a series or phrase.


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

JOKE OF THE DAY:

Yankees lose 2 of 3 in Cleveland!

PUN TIME
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A draftsman with a lot of time on his hands-----

How "BOOBS" Got Their Name

TOP VIEW ------- FRONT VIEW-----SIDE VIEW

-----B-----------------OO-------------- b-----

on Ohio


All I have to say is "Go Bucks!"

You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if:

1. You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!

2. You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.

3. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.

4. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.

5. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."

6. You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.

7. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy,Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati .

8. "Vacation! " means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.

9. You measure distance in minutes

10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

11. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

12. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

13. You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.

14. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example:
"Where's my coat at?"

15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

16. You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

17. You carry jumper cables in your car.

18. You know what 'pop' is.

19. You design your kid'sHalloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

20. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. (Amen!)

21. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.

22. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.

If you actually get these jokes -- then forward 'em to your OHIO friends!

HAVE A GOOD DAY AND A BETTER ONE TOMORROW








Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;

Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.



But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .


The second prince brought diamonds.


He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red ..



She felt something hard.
She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
I STILL WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!!

Do young baseball fans understand that?

Young people may not understand but with the magic of the the internet and utube, the skit is preserved there for anyone that wants to know Who's on First.

Our bats so far this year.

Go to You Tube and type in Harlem Shake Cleveland Indians for a treat.